


Change in scenery

by ElephantLoveMedley



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: F/F, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Shopping, Soft Jean Moreau, Team Bonding, Therapy, USC Trojans (All For The Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 15:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20780537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElephantLoveMedley/pseuds/ElephantLoveMedley
Summary: Jeremy is so determined to help Jean that he doesn't realise he is already getting better.Or: I wanted to write a story about Jeremy helping Jean during his first year with the Trojans, but then Sara Alvarez got in the way and I realized that no one can always be happy, not even Captain Sunshine.





	Change in scenery

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I'm bad at summaries, but, yeah, I wanted to explore Jeremy's character from another perspective and give the boy a break from all that smiling.  
In this story I imagine his relationship with Kevin to not have a real definition, they definitely like each other and spend time together whenever they have the possibilities, but they never talked about it. They'll get there eventually, maybe with Jean's help.  
Sara Alvarez is the real hero of the story and I enjoyed writing her so much.

Jeremy knew that it would be hard, that it would be painful, but he didn't know he would be so difficult.  
"Hey, Jean, why don't we seat with the rest of the team today? Just for lunch." He tried his best to smile and keep up a cheerful appearance, but, god, it was difficult.  
Kevin had warned him. He had tried to help with all the insights and the not so detailed backstories about the raven's nest, but more time passed and more Jeremy despaired.  
He admired Jean, of course, how could he not? He was so strong and he knew he couldn't rush a recovery, but the point was: he didn't even know what he was trying to recover from or how he could try to help.  
Kevin didn't share much details, just the few fundamentals things. The ones they needed to function, nothing more and nothing less.  
He had been warned more and more times to never leave Jean alone. At the beginning he worried that it might be connected to attempts of self harm or worse, but Kevin had explained to him how pack mentality was the priority for the Ravens. Jeremy now knew everything about the partner deal that Jean's ex-team had going on, but this new knowledge didn't leave him less doubtful.  
Look, he knew he was a good guy, he made friends fast and had always time to chat with people. He recognised he hated being ignored or, worse, overlooked. Laila had told him time and time again that not everyone had to like him and that it was not that important to keep up with every single person on campus.  
Sara told him that he was obsessed and he would die of "trying too hard" or "inability of saying no", but she has always been the blunt one. And she liked him nonetheless, so he managed to look at it as a victory.  
He knew that Jean didn't necessarily have to like him to have him as a partner. Hell, he had shared two weeks (well, three, if you count them as Raven's time) with Neil Josten in the nest and apparently they still despised each other. Jeremy knew he wasn't a friend for Jean, but a necessesity, something stable to grip on to, to help ease the change. He knew that, but he couldn't help but try and be something more.  
A tutor, maybe. He tried offering to help Jean with his homework, but he soon discovered that Jean didn't need any help, he just liked to share his desk at the library with someone he knew.  
Jeremy appreciated being Jean's first pick when it came to share an activity, but he knew he didn't choose him because he trusted him.  
"No, I want to seat near the window."  
Jeremy sighed. "Ok, let's go seat near the window."  
He waved at his other teammates while Jean waited beside him, a scowl on his face, and then started walking to the table.  
Jean followed right after

"No, Kevin, it's just-"  
It was one of the few moments that Jeremy had alone. Every tuesday and friday Jean had to go to therapy sessions (individual and in a group) and Jeremy had one hour all for himself. Even this break, however, seemed plagued with worried thoughts about his new teammate.  
"I try to talk to him everyday. I mean he doesn't even leave my side, I'm always where he can see me, it would be exhausting to live in eternal silence."  
"Especially for you."  
"Yeah, especially for me." He sighed and laid down completely on the floor. "Listen, Kevin, I'm not saying that I regret taking him in, but sometimes it feels like I am the burden, like I'm bothering him, but then, if I shut up, I die inside because he never talks and, if I leave, he follows. That's a lose-lose situation. I want to help but-" He exhaled and took a deep breath. "Just tell me how to help him, please."  
"What do you usually talk about?"  
"What?"  
"You said that you try to talk to him. When you talk, what do you tell him?"  
"Well, you know, classes, exy, movie nights. Like, common ground."  
"And does he reply?"  
Jeremy propped himself up on his elbow, thinking. "Well, yes, but only to direct questions. And only about exy and classes, he wouldn't even tell me what his favourite colour was."  
Kevin sighed. "He probably doesn't even know it himself."  
"That... doesn't make sense."  
"Yes, it does. I thought mine was red till I got out of the nest and Andrew brought me shopping for new clothes. Now I know that is deep green, like the forests."  
"Mine's yellow." Jeremy replied thoughtfully.  
"Did you tell him?"  
"To who? Jean?" It came out more shocked than Jeremy would have wanted. He grimaced. "No."  
"Why not, Jeremy?"  
"Because he doesn't tell me anything, why should I tell him something?"  
Kevin chuckled at the other end of the line. "Oh, Jeremy." He could hear his smile. "You are trying to make Jean open up while trying to keep everything inside. He'll never trust you, if you never trust him, and it's not like he has someone to go to and spill all your secrets."  
"Renee?"  
"Renee already knows everything and never says something. Jean's the same."  
"You're the same." Jeremy huffed.  
They remained silent for a minute, then Kevin talked.  
"You know, when I first arrived at Palmetto I didn't trust anyone, even my dad. I had trouble going to sleep and I tried to go back many times. Andrew always caught me in the middle of the night trying to shove everything I had in a bag. He used to talk me out of it, talk me down panic attacks. Everytime I let something slip, a secret or a detail or a memory, he would tell me something in return. Information for information. It was a deal, he didn't want to be in debt.  
I came to trust him little by little and he started trusting me, too. That's when he offered to keep me safe. I accepted because I knew him, because I trusted him.  
The point is: I was already safe at Palmetto, they couldn't hurt me there, but I've never felt in control of my life. Andrew gave me that control and I got my life back, piece by piece, starting with my favourite colour."  
"Forest green." Jeremy smiled.  
"Forest green."  
"Ok, I have to talk to Jean."  
"Yep."  
"Bye, Kevin, thank you so much." Jeremy jumped up from the floor and started for the door.  
"No problem, Jeremy. Have a good night."  
"You, too, Kev. Love you! Bye!"  
He hung up and shrugged on his jean jacket.  
It was a chilly night and he ran all the way to Jean's therapist's studio.

Jean exited the door of the studio and immediately stopped in his tracks. "What are you doing here?"  
Jeremy looked at him, eyes blood shot and his team jacket hanging from his too pale arm.  
"I always come to walk you to the dorm after therapy."  
"Yeah, but you usually wait outside." He was vicious. All the vulnerability that he had shown a moment ago had vanished, now he was standing tall, shoulders squared and tensed arms. Jeremy tried to not feel intimidated, but Jean was taller than him and had the muscles of a backliner. He had never saw him loose control or become aggressive, and he didn't want to try his luck.  
He tried to meet his eyes, but Jean always avoided eye contact. "I'm sorry, Jean. I didn't know it would upset you. I came here because I wanted to ask you if you want to get something to eat together. Maybe we could talk."  
"You could have asked outside." He kept staring ahead, his muscles tensed and his jet black air covering his eyes. It had taken a lot for his hair to grow fully back, for the tips to curl and fall on his forehead. They were uneven, but they were there.  
"I know, but I didn't think about it."  
Jean deflated. "Whatever. Let's go."  
"Do you want food?"  
"Yes."  
"Pasta? I love pasta."  
"Fish and chips."  
"Oh, Laila loves it, we could invite her and Sara."  
"Take out. I want take out."  
"Oh, okay. I guess we could do it."  
The walk to the dorm was silent, dinner was strained and Jeremy got to exhale only when Jean went to the bathroom to take a shower.  
He was difficult, but so had been Kevin.

Jeremy had a plan. After the disaster of the past evening he was determined to get to know Jean and his boundaries to make sure to never disrespect them.  
1) Help Jean to get to know himself.  
2) Share information and bond with him.  
3) Build trust in Jean (and hopefully get Jean to trust him. But this maybe was another point in the list).  
He was determined, he was wearing his metaphorical war paint and was ready to go down fighting.  
After breakfast. He needed breakfast.  
When they entered the dining hall he immediately went for their usual seat near the window and mentally asked the team to forgive them. He had already talked to Laila, his vice captain, to try and keep the team united, movie nights helped but he feared it was not enough, especially for the new members of the team. But, then again, Jean was a new recruit, too.  
"Hey, Jean."  
Jean moved his gaze from the blue of the sky to a point over Jeremy's shoulders. He still avoided eye contact, but Jeremy had found ways to work around it.  
"I noticed that you only wear the team's clothes and that old tracksuit-"  
"It's Renee's."  
"Yeah, well, I was wondering if you want to go shopping with me. I need a new pair of jeans and I thought you could try something on too."  
Jean shrugged. "When?"  
"This afternoon? It's our free day."  
He shrugged again. "Ok."  
"Thanks!" Jeremy beamed, but Jean was already staring at his empty dish.  
When they finished breakfast they went to class, always together, always the same. They never got separated and they never got distracted. It felt like a perfectly practiced routine, everything thought down to the details. They worked in synch, always gravitating in each other's orbits, but never colliding. Jeremy couldn't figure out how that was possible, how two people who worked so well together didn't know a thing about each other.  
"We could get something to eat at the mall, if you prefer." Jeremy said as he finished to pick up his things from their last hour of classes.  
Jean shrugged and kept putting his notebooks away. "You like pasta, we could get pasta."  
"You remembered." Jeremy was shocked and a bit light headed. He had finally managed to get through to this boy, even if it was something as stupid as his favourite food. "That's kind of you to offer."  
Jean raised his shoulders again. "It's food."  
And, yes, okay, it was food. Jeremy didn't need to make a big deal out of it, but, hell, he felt like he was on cloud nine. Maybe Kevin was right, maybe he had to start small.  
"Let's go to the mall then. There's this little restaurant nearby where you can sit outside to eat. I think you'll like it."  
Jean looked at him. "Why?"  
Jeremy stopped. "Why what?"  
"Why do you think I'd like it?"  
"Oh, well, I think you would appreciate sitting outside. You always eat near the window and look at the sky."  
Jean nodded and started walking. It was everything that Jeremy could ask for.

When they arrived to the restaurant the atmosphere between the two of them was more relaxed. Jean still tended to trail a few steps behind Jeremy and grip his backpack's straps a little more strongly than necessary, but it was good, they talked a bit. Baby steps.  
"Are you ready to order?"  
"Yes, I am. Jean, you good?"  
Another nod.  
"A carbonara for me and..."  
"The one with cheese for me, please." Jean smiled to the waitress as he passed her the menu and Jeremy couldn't help but be stunned by the difference between this boy and the one he knew.  
"Perfect, I'll be back in 15 minutes with your food."  
The 15 minutes seemed to stretch to infinity. Jeremy tried to find something to talk about, but he didn't want to rant about the usual stupid nonsense, and it was too difficult to decide on another argument that could be slightly meaningful. Favourite colours, maybe, movies, cars, his childhood, his childhood...  
"I like sitting near windows because I like looking at the sky. In the nest we didn't get to see the sky, we could only listen to the rain and the thunder."  
Jeremy felt his heart explode first with shock and then with sympathy for this boy. He was proud and he was afraid to say the wrong thing and wipe out even this little progress they had made.  
He breathed in and breathed out. He thought about Kevin. Information for information.  
"I used to be so scared of thunderstorms that I kept going to my sister's room for comfort till I was 13. She's older than me." Jeremy stopped and looked at Jean, searching for his eyes. "Now, you may think that I stopped running to her because I'm a big boy and don't get scared by thunderstorms anymore, but I'm afraid it's not so."  
He started grinning when Jean finally met his gaze, curious. It was a new expression on him and Jeremy cherished it for a moment.  
"I stopped running to her because the last time I did she had her boyfriend over and you can't even imagine how fucking disoriented I was when, instead of my sister's arms, I ran straight into this bulky dude's chest." Jean started to chuckle and Jeremy felt his chest fill with pride. "I mean, not that I'm complaining, he's a really beautiful dude, but everytime I go visit he has to bring it up and make me suffer through the memory."  
Jean's eyebrows furrowed. "You visit him?"  
"Yeah. He's my sister's husband, everytime I want to say hi to my niece I have to endure this torture."  
"Oh." He looked a bit pensive for a bit and then smiled one of the quitest smile that Jeremy had ever seen. It was shy and authentic, it was better than the one he gave to the waitress earlier. Jeremy wanted to see more of this version.

"So, here's the mall. I personally think that you should at least buy a jacket, jeans maybe, but I actually think you might be more of a leather jacket guy, we'll see. Than you'll need a pair or two of jeans a few hoodies and some t-shirts. Oh, and, if you find a pair of shoes that you like, try them on. Ok?"  
"Ok. What will you try?"  
"A pair of jeans. I hate looking for jeans because they're always too long or too baggy. I want them fitting, of a normal length and, most importantly, my butt has to look good."  
Jean looked at him blankly for a moment, then replied in the most condescending voice that Jeremy had ever heard (and he knew Sara Alvarez, thanks): "Of course."  
"Are you joking right now? It's fundamental."  
Another "Of course.", this time accompanied by a small grin. Jeremy tried not to react too much.  
"So, do you want me to go with you or do we meet at the changing rooms?" The store was pretty small, so Jeremy hoped that they could still work alone if he kept in Jean's line of sight. He wanted to be there for him, but he had also dragged Jean here to let him explore this new life, his new taste.  
"I'd like to look alone for a bit, please."  
"Of course, Jean, go ahead. We'll meet here when you're ready."

"You sure you don't want advice."  
"Mhm."  
Jeremy was currently standing outside of Jean's changing room. His new pair of ripped black jeans in his hands and a grin on his face.  
"Ok. I'll wait here then. No rush."  
While he waited for Jean to finish he texted Kevin their progress and scheduled to call him again on friday during Jean's group therapy session.  
"Ok, I think I'm ready."  
"Yeah?" Jeremy lifted his gaze and, well, he wasn't ready for the mountain of pastel clothes in Jean's hand. He tried to school his expression however and play it cool. "What will you get?"  
He rummaged through Jean's pile of clothes and found a leather jacket, two pair of jeans (black and blue), a few graphic t-shirts (one with a pun on it. He felt like crying), a bright yellow hoodie, a sky blue one and a pastel pink one. Oh, and socks, a lot of socks.  
He laughed.  
"Are you going to take all of this?"  
"Well, no, I think I'll leave the socks and the pink one."  
"Why?" Now Jeremy was disappointed. He really liked the pink one. "Don't you like it?"  
"No, I think I like it."  
"Then why don't you buy it?"  
"Because you said two hoodies and I have three."  
Jeremy's heart broke a little. "Oh, Jean." He tried to hold his hands under the pile of colourful clothes. "You don't have to wait for my permission to do anything. Mine or anybody else's. You're free to do whatever you like and buy whatever you like. It's your life, Jean, and you get to live it. Ok?"  
Jean nodded and Jeremy squeezed his hands.  
"And if Jean Moureau likes this gorgeous pastel pink sweater, he's going to buy this pastel pink sweater. Do you understand me?"  
"Yes."  
"Are you saying yes because I'm your captain or because I'm your friend?"  
Jean looked at him, a bit troubled at the beginning, but then spoke. "Because you're something like a friend."  
Jeremy smiled. "I appreciate the honesty." He dropped Jean's hands. "Now let's go and pay for this gorgeous pink sweater."  
"And the socks." It was something just above a whisper, but Jeremy heard it nonetheless. "I like the socks."  
He had always been the emotional type, but now, standing near this giant of a boy with a broken heart, he couldn't help but feel like crying. Crying for everything that Jean had gone through and crying for everything he was overcoming, for every battle he already won and for the ones he was going to win. He didn't really know Jean, they were just "something like a friend" to each other, but he was so proud of him. So happy that he could cry.  
"Can I hug you?"  
"Why?"  
"Because I'm happy."  
"Oh. Okay. Let me put down the clothes."  
And Jean was so tall when Jeremy hugged that he was a bit disappointed. He wanted to be the one to hold him, to lift this broken boy up, and he found himself being held, his cheeks squished on a old trojan t-shirt. The shape of a cross pressind right under his eye, his hands splayed on Jean's back, caressing his shoulders. Jean's arms strong around his head.  
He didn't let go till Jeremy took a step back.

"Hey, Jean. Nice outfit."  
"Thanks, Laila."  
"Really nice outfit." The statement was accompanied by Sara's low whistle. "Didn't know you had it in you."  
"Thanks?" Jean looked perplexed.  
"Oh, because you didn't see his socks. Show them, Jean. Show them!" Jeremy looked eager.  
Jean lifted his foot on the cafeteria bench and revealed a pair of colorful socks filled with drawings of dinosaurs wearing sunglasses.  
Jeremy was so proud.  
"Oh, my god. That's sick." Laila grabbed his ankle and started studying the pattern. "Where did you buy them?"  
"Yeah, I only have mismatched pairs."  
"That's because you never do laundry."  
"Not true."  
"True." Jeremy pointed at Sara with his fork. "However, we went to mall yesterday."  
"Oh. And did you find that pair of jeans you were looking for."  
"Yes!"  
"Butt situation?" Laila slapped Sara on the arm. "What?! I care about my friend's appearance."  
"Pretty good actually." Jeremy beamed.  
"Is it true?" Sara waved a hand in front of Jean. "Hey, Jean, is it true?"  
"I don't know, I didn't see them."  
"Shame. I'll have to judge for myself tonight, wear them."  
"What happens tonight?"  
"Ah, yes. We came here to tell you that movie nights gets anticipated of one day. And-" Laila held out an hand as if to stop them. "Our new lovely teammates want to play truth or dare, like for bonding time or some shit."  
"I don't want to play truth or dare."  
"Well, you're not the new lovely teammate I was talking about."  
"Still lovely, though." Sara smiled at Jean, her chin propped in her hand.  
Laila smacked her again. "Stop flirting with every good looking boy."  
"What's the harm in it? It's not like I'll ever be interested."  
Jean lifted his gaze. "Why do you do it then?"  
"Practice makes perfect, my dear Jean." She bopped his nose, black fingernails fluttering in front of his eyes.  
"But you already have a girlfriend."  
"You have to keep the flame alive, my darling Jean. One day, when you'll meet the love of your life, I will teach you all my secrets."  
"Okay."  
"Is it a deal?"  
"It's a deal."  
"Let's shake hands, then, my little hopeless romantic son."  
They shook hands. Laila and Jeremy looked at each other, disbelief on their faces.  
Maybe Kevin was wrong and the only thing Jean needed was one Sara Alvarez to shake hands over a promise of eternal love.  
Now that Jeremy thought about it, it wasn't a little thing. It was huge.

"Good evening and welcome to my crib." Sara gestured to the small tv and a ratty old couch. "You can give me your jackets."  
"We didn't wear jackets, we live next door. It's not like we'll take a cold in the hallway."  
"No fun, Jeremy. Let a girl dream."  
"Yeah, Jeremy, let a girl dream. If she dreams big and work hard, she'll get rich. And I'll marry rich." Laila hugged Sara from behind, propping her chin on her shoulder and trying her best not to lose balance as she was standing on her tippy toes.  
"Yeah, but she'll already be rich, so we'll be double rich."  
"Remember your friends, then."  
"I'll surely remember my son Jean who, I see now, has an expensive taste... Where did you get that sweater? It's gorgeous."  
"At the mall, yesterday."  
"We should go together some time, we have the same style. Maybe we should get an haircut, too. I mean, I should, but I'd like the company."  
Jeremy and Laila watched the two walk to the couch and fall into a lively discussion.  
"You could have told her girlfriend to unlock him a month ago. Look at that."  
"You know these things take time and she's shy."  
"Shy?!"  
"We'll, yeah, it took a lot of time for her to build up the courage to talk to Jean. It took her a lot even to consider him part of team and you know she doesn't warm up well to outsiders. It was better to wait."  
"Well, she's doing a better job than me."  
"No." Laila put a hand on his shoulder. "Sometimes we just need fresh air or a little change in scenery to loosen up. To make us remember that there are infinite possibilities in front of us, that we're not stuck. Maybe Jean needed that."  
"You're so wise, Laila." He smiled a melancholic smile at her, one full of memories of their shared histories and shared tears. One that confirmed that there was truth behind his words, that he had seen her grow and become the amazing girl that she is now.  
"And you're trying your best, Jeremy. It's enough."  
"I just hope he'll get to be alright, he's already better, I want him to be happy."  
"Inshallah."  
"Yeah..."  
He hugged her.  
"Come on, you lovebirds, we're starting the movie!"  
"And the game!"  
They settled on the couch beside Sara and Jean and the tv started playing an old movie that Jeremy had never seen. Laila chuckled and met Sara's gaze, she leaned toward Jean's ear and mock whispered: "Step one, watch the most beautiful movie of all times. Take notes."  
Jean nodded seriously as if we would actually start taking notes and then silence descended on the room. Maybe it was because they had to pay attention to the subtitles, maybe it was the story or the music, but no one spoke for almost three hours. The team was mesmerized and Jeremy remembered all the good reasons why he was friend with Sara: she had so much potential in her and she decided to use it to make comfortable others, to try and give something back. He understood why Laila liked her, they were so similar beneath the surface.  
When Cinema Paradiso ended and Sara stopped wiping away her tears they started playing.  
"Ok, whose idea was?"  
"Well, mine, captain. We barely see each other, I don't know shit about you, except for local legends."  
"Language." Jeremy scowled. "And what legends?"  
"Ah ah, that's a question, captain." Laila pointed a finger at him.  
"Fine, let's start. Sara's first."  
"Well, Jeremy, truth or dare?" She lenaed on one of the bottle of vodkas that they had opened for the occasion and grinned at him.  
"Your smile gives me the creeps, dare."  
"Ok, just stand up in the middle of the circle and show us your new pair of jeans, we'll tell you if your butt looks nice."  
"Oh, god. Okay." He walked at the center of the circle and turned for everyone to see.  
"Nu-uh, Jerry, lift your t-shirt, we don't see the butt." Now draped over Jean, vodka safely in his hands.  
He huffed. "Fine." And turned again.  
She looked at the team. "Good?" They cheered. "Good."  
Then lifted her gaze to Jean. "Good?" He didn't meet her eyes, or Jeremy's, but he nodded. "Good."  
Jeremy's cheeks were now as red as a tomato, but he went to his place and pretended nothing had happened. It was the vodka.  
"So, Michael, truth or dare?"  
"Truth."  
"Laaame."  
They game went on like this for a bit, stupid questions and childish dares, then, naturally, as alcohol started flooding their systems, the questions became more intimate. Jeremy hated this part.  
"Ok, so, I want to tell you that you can hop pff now, if these questions make you uncomfortable you can stop now. No problem, no grudges." He looked at the team. He looked at Jean. "Ok?"  
"Ok." But no one said that they would stop. Fantastic, now he had to stay, too, save face. Fucking hell, he hated talking about himself.  
He faked a smile. "Fine, let's continue then. Jane, your turn."  
"Ok. Jean?"  
"Truth." He sipped on his vodka, Sara on his lap, trying to direct his fingers to her hair.  
"Ravens act all big and though, but I bet they're as boring as every team. I'll need some gossip to embarass them at the next banquet. Who's still a virgin in the Ravens?"  
"You can't be a virgin and a Raven."  
"Oh." The room stayed quiet for a bit. Then Jane spoke, fake cheers in her voice. "Okay, guess we're more boring, then. But I get it, you know peer pressure and all-"  
Jeremy cut her off. "Jean, your turn."  
"Jeremy."  
"Yes?"  
"Truth or dare?"  
"Um," he thought about Kevin, information for information. "Truth, I guess?"  
"What are you afraid of? Except thunderstorms, I mean."  
Jeremy felt himself spiral into a panic, he knew it was going to end up like this. He hated talking about himself, it was his business and no one else's. It just wasn't fair to give away pieces of himself to the first stranger he met.  
But Jean wasn't a stranger or, at least, Jeremy didn't want him to be one. The team on the other hand, there were too many ears listening to his answer, to many minds ready to judge. Mouths eager to share and twist the truth and ruin the few beautiful things that he let himself speak out loud.  
"I'm afraid of this game, I guess." He whispered. No one, except Laila, had heard Jeremy Knox lose his voice since his first year with the Trojans.  
"Ok, everyone, me and my girlfriend are going to have sex, like, immediately. So-" she clapped her hands. "Everyone out of my room right now."  
Sara jumped up, bringing Jean with her. "Have you heard the lady? I'm going to have the best sex of my life, get out now!"  
They both shooed the grumbling team toward the door.  
"Uh-uh, not so easy, Jer. Captain duty is to help clean up." Laila grabbed his arm and Sara continued to side-hug Jean.  
When everyone was out of the door, Laila closed it and came up to him, stroking his cheeks. "It's ok, Jer. We're here, you don't need to cry."  
He hadn't even realized he was crying. He was so stupid, this would give away more than the game ever could.  
He wiped his eyes in the crook of his elbow.  
"No, ok, I'm fine. I'm just tired and full of vodka. I'll just shower and go to bed. It's fine." He lifted Laila's hands from his shoulders and saw her grimace. He didn't care right now.  
He walked to the door. "Jean, are you coming?" But Jean was already behind him.  
They walked down the aisle to their room.  
Ok, he cared a bit. He turned on his heels and called Laila.  
"Yes?"  
"Please, don't worry. I'm fine really, you don't have to worry."  
She smiled a sad smile and hugged him. "Oh, Jer. You know I'm here, yes?"  
He wanted to reply, but he just nodded, not trusting his voice not to crack and his tears not to spill.

When he went back to the dorm Jean was in the bathroom. He went to bed without even showering or brushing his teeth, things for another Jeremy to deal with. He switched off the light and rolled on his side, back facing the room.  
When Jean came out of the bathroom, he left the lights off and walked to Jeremy's bed. He placed a hand on his shoulder and said in the quietest of voices: "I'm sorry, Jeremy."  
Jeremy started sobbing again and Jean stroked his shoulder.  
He couldn't breath through the tears, but he didn't want to leave Jean hanging, thinking that he was the one who upset Jeremy.  
"You don't have to be." He managed to choke out. "I'm a dumbass."  
"No, you're not." And there was certainty in that statement. Clarity, something that Jeremy couldn't see.  
"Goodnight, Jean."  
"Goodnight, Jeremy."  
Jean walked to his bed, his hand leaving Jeremy's shoulder.  
Jeremy's felt like crying, but tears were already staining his cheeks and blurring his vision.

The next day nobody talked. Jeremy was quiet and practice was subdued, Laila trying to make everything work.  
Jeremy went through the motions and Jean followed him, always a step back. Always flashing those bright socks of his. Always clutching at his backpack or tugging at the cross around his neck.  
"Uh, Jeremy, we could sit with Laila if you want to. Today."  
"No, it's fine. I like routine."  
"Oh, ok."  
Jeremy knew that Jean was trying and he was grateful, but he couldn't bring himself to feel happy. He felt, guilty, of course. It was like he was trying to stop Jean's journey, like he was bringing attention away from him.  
Damn it, he was not the one who should be sulking right now. He felt awful. How could he be so upset over something as stupid as not being able to share bits and piece of his personality when Jean had gone through literal hell? How could he be so selfish?  
"I'm sorry, Jean. I didn't want to be rude." He said, settling down on their table near the window.  
"You're not rude."  
"It wasn't your fault, Jean. I didn't want to play since the beginning. You couldn't know that."  
"You could have told me. I would have made up an excuse to make us go back to our dorm."  
"That's kind, but that's not the point." Jeremy shook his head. "Thank you, nonetheless."  
"You were kind with me, too. At the mall." Jean looked at him. He actually looked at him. "And then you gave me an hug when I was scared. Do you want an hug, Jeremy?"  
Jeremy's eyes went wide with shock, his cheeks red in embarrassment and the effort to find an excuse.  
Jean nodded. "Not now, if you want. I noticed you don't like looking vulnerable in public. Just, yeah, I'm here. Like Sara and Laila say."  
Jeremy hung desperately to the last part of the sentence, making a U-turn on their conversation and driving 20 mph over the speed limit to get them to a change in subject. "You've gotten quite attached to Sara. She's not usually that open to touch with everyone."  
"Yeah, I don't mind. She is easy to deal with." Jean shrugged.  
Jeremy stayed silent, lost in thought.  
Jean broke the calm again.  
"You're friend with Laila, instead, right?"  
And, yeah, ok. Jeremy could do this. Information for information, it was just the two of them. It was Jean, he could trust him. Even Sara trusted him.  
He took a deep breath. "Yeah. We're best friends, we've known each other since the first year. Sara moved here on the second year, so it was just the two of us for a bit. She is a special girl, so kind and strong. She stands unwavering in her beliefs."  
"You admire her."  
It wasn't a question, but Jeremy nodded nonetheless. Reinforcing the statement.  
"I admire Renee. I missed her a lot in the beginning."  
"Are you two together?"  
"No, at the beginning I wanted to, but she always told me that what I needed was a friend. I think she was right. Even my therapist says so."  
"Do you like your therapist?"  
"Yes, he's good. He let's me stay silent or listen to music when I don't want to talk."  
Jeremy found himself relaxing. He had been on edge since yesterday evening, but Jean had a calming voice and a good way of talking and a soothing accent-  
"What are you afraid of, Jeremy?"  
-and he didn't take anything for granted.  
Kevin was right: a deal is a deal. Information for information. No one stays in debt.  
He sighed. "I'm afraid to fuck up, Jean. I'm afraid to be judged. I'm afraid that people will finally look past the surface and be disgusted by the emptyness of it all. I'm scared of telling this to someone and right now I'm scared that you will tell something. That it will be used against me." He never once lifted his eyes from the table.  
"Come on, I have to walk you to therapy."

His phone rang. Killer Queen, his personalized ringtone for Kevin, bouncing off the walls of his room. Jeremy was yet again splayed on the floor and he was ten minutes late to his scheduled call.  
He answered: "Kevin."  
"Jeremy! Are you ok?"  
"Eh, not quite." He felt the pressure building behind his eyes, his voice straining.  
"Oh, Jer. What happened?"  
He told him. He told him everything and then he couldn't stop. His sobs delaying his answers. Kevin's calm tone trying to hide the anxiety growing under his words.  
It was not the first time for one of them to cry down the line. It probably wouldn't be the last time. Jeremy just wished that Kevin could be here to hold him, keep him hidden from the world and from Laila. Tucked away till he was able to smile again, to walk with his back straight. Till all his tears had dried.  
But Kevin was on the wrong side of North America and the other friend he had was somewhere in this building, still he couldn't bring himself to get up.  
He didn't want to worry anyone. He could take care of himself.  
He managed to calm his breath down and put a fake cheer on. "Ok, I'm alright now, Kevin. Thanks for listening, you always help."  
Kevin's voice was shaky, unsure. "Jer, are you sure? I can still stay on the phone, just - everytime you need me. Or need someone to talk to. I'm here."  
"I know, Kev." And it took so much effort for his lip not to tremble and his voice not to crack. "I just. I wish you could hug me right now."  
Kevin sighed. "I wish that, too. And to be able to see you more often."  
Jeremy could picture him running a hand through his hair, anxious. "Thank you, Kevin."  
"Love you, Jer."  
"Love you, too." Jeremy could feel his tears rolling down again. "Bye, Kev."  
"Bye, Jer. Take care."  
He hung and started crying again. This time there was rage lying just beneath the surface.

He stayed there. Thirty, fourthy minutes, it didn't matter.  
He was desperate. He felt hopelles. It was not the first time that he had a breakdown on the floor of his room, but usually he didn't have to share.  
Usually he could say he was busy, captain duty or homework, and no one, not even Laila, dared to disturb. Usually he just needed a call to Kevin, to listen to the anxiety in the other boy's voice to go back to normal: he couldn't do this to him, he couldn't let him worry.  
Usually he was alone, but today the door opened.  
"Ok, bye, Jean. If you need me next time Jeremy is busy, I'm here. Or every time, actually, I don't mind."  
"Ok, thanks, Sara." He was holding on the door tightly, not letting it open too wide. Jeremy was grateful.  
He managed to stop sobbing loudly, but he still couldn't stop the tears. They came in waves and the fact that he had forgotten to walk Jean back from therapy made him start all over again.  
He clutched his phone to his chest and managed to sit up, while Jean hurriedly tried to say goodbye to Sara.  
He took a deep breath and planted his feet on the carpeted floor. He exhaled, shaky and wobbly, but he managed to get to his feet. Everything was blurry and the burden was heavy on his shoulders, heavier than usual, but he always managed: this time he would, too.  
He didn't want Sara to look at him in this state, not after the other night. He, sure as hell, didn't want Laila to look at him.  
He took another breath and wiped away his tears, he pushed his curls back and flexed his fingers around the phone, Kevin's name still burning in his eyes. He stared at it.  
Jean closed the door.

He didn't lift his eyes, he kept them trained on his hands. He couldn't blink, he didn't want unshed tears to roll down his cheeks. He was already a mess, but he could still handle it.  
He saw Jean's feet move in his line of vision and then a packet of tissues was placed beside his thights. Jean didn't touch him. Jean didn't speak.  
The silence was unbearable.  
"I'm fine." He refused to reach for the tissues, he was fine, he didn't need a fucking thing. He could feel his shame turn into rage.  
"I'm sorry I forgot you had therapy."  
"It's fine, Sara was available."  
Jean crouched in front of him, he still didn't force him to meet his eyes, but he was there if Jeremy wanted to. And Jeremy was fine, so he lifted his gaze. He was fine and he could look Jean in the eyes, hell, he had spent weeks wishing for Jean to meet his gaze and not be afraid. He was not going to pass on this occasion.  
Jean grey eyes were there, peaceful and steady, looking at Jeremy's tears like they were the most common occurrence in his life.  
Rage built up higher.  
This was not common, this was not normal, why was Jean so unfazed? Why wasn't he angry that Jeremy had forgot to go get him after therapy? Why wasn't he surprised? Why was he so fucking ready, with his tissues and his space and the door that never opened too wide?  
Why?  
Jeremy couldn't yell at him, he was fine. He could feel rage pressing behind his eyelids. He couldn't scream, but he could cry: he already had.  
He started sobbing again and after a few minutes he grabbed Jean's offering hand.  
He couldn't form the words, but he still wanted to let Jean know that he was sorry, that he didn't deserve this.  
He squeezed Jean's hand to his chest.  
"You can talk to me if you want. Or to anyone else, actually. I'll help you."  
Jeremy shook his head and Jean didn't let go of his hand.  
Minutes passed.

Jean talked first. "Maybe you should come to group therapy with me once."  
"Why?!" Jeremy was screaming and crying, but he didn't care. He wasn't the damaged one, he was the one suppossed to help. "It's my business! Why should they care? Why should I tell them? Who are they to me?"  
Jean kept a low voice, his hand half raised. "Because you have to believe, Jeremy, that not everyone's out there to make you stumble. Some people are cheering for you, they care. And they're more than you think."  
"They don't know me."  
"They don't need to. Do you know the Italian chef who cooked your pasta the other day?"  
Jeremy wiped his tears with his wrist. "No."  
"Do you still want him to succeed?"  
"Yeah." He sniffed. "But it's not the same."  
Jean moved forward. "But it is. Or these months of therapy were just wasting time."  
"They weren't. You got better."  
"I want you to succeed, Jeremy. To be happy."  
"But you know me."  
Jean let out a chuckle while wiping away Jeremy's tears. He still was the one who couldn't meet the other's gaze. "I don't think anyone knows you, Jeremy Knox."  
He opened his arms, inviting him for an hug, a situation that would have been unimaginable just two weeks ago. It took so little to change sometimes, you didn't even realize that time was passing.  
Jeremy sighed, relieved. Maybe he could too. Maybe Jean could be the first one to get to know him. Maybe he could finally manage to bring out the words that would stop in his throat even in front of Laila. Even on the phone with Kevin.  
Maybe this was his change in scenery.

He took a step forward and hugged Jean back.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you liked it and what's your favourite part.  
Thank you so much for reading it! <3


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